It happens before I know that it is here. This occurs to me in a certain predestined order. When this confusion begins, it becomes apparent to me that there is a cigarette in my lips. As I am lighting it I decide that now would be a good time to smoke, because I’m feeling antsy. Also here I become aware that my shirt sleeve was on fire. I bought this shirt from a thrift store but when I paid for it the clerk informed that he just notified the police. He politely explained that I stole this shirt a week ago and showing up now to pay for it was a confirmation of my certain criminality. I felt a bit confused. The doctor who explained Motivational Mnemonic Dyslexia to me seemed to have the answers to my questions before I asked them. I wondered if he had situational foresight. He said:” Yes, you might set certain events in motion before the motive and reason are apparent to you. Things may surprise you. Crisis may arise in ways you are not able to predict. For instance, you may decide to come to a doctor’s office only to find out after your real purpose for the visit. You may also engage in activities that you don’t fully remember. It is a sub conscious method of your mind to protect you from emotional harm” All this was a bit alarming, because I knew then that I had certain questions as to what this condition would do to me. What the effects would be. His precognitive abilities seemed to mimic my own dysfunction. He could see well into what was about to happen. Where as with me, things would happen and I would only know afterwards why I had done them. HE was my inverse. It was in this memory that I saw the small flame on my cotton sleeves crawling up my arms, my shoulder burned a bit, yet I knew this fire had a purpose. First of all, it lit my cigarette.
It was a few moments later that I noticed that I was on the telephone. A static charge of information was coming to me through the circular earpiece, it was a girl. She was telling me that she would like to see come over. “Can I stay with you tonight? I’m alone here”.
I replied, “I already feel guilty. The resentment and emptiness are surely already filling in you. Would you like to meet me at the coffee store so we can end this promptly? You are dumping me right?”
She informed that she intended to come over. The flames were now climbing up to my neck level, so naturally I eased my appendage over to the candle that some one had set out next to my bed. It lit miraculously and the orange ember glowed like a pixie in my dark room. I dumped my cup of coffee on my arm and it was cold. The flames receded on my arms and I felt relief. If she is coming over I decided I need to be ready.
I immediately took off my clothes. Standing there in my room disrobed, I began to recite to myself,
“This will be over before it begins.”
That was a comforting thought. It became apparent to me that she was already gone and I missed her for leaving so early. The wax from the yellow candle began running onto the paper beneath it on my side table. I stood entranced by the miniature ember effect of the minor fire contained safely in my room. A group of headlights began dancing the illumine iridescent foxtrot in the window bars outside. A loud explosion sound filters through the walls and I see a fragment of tire hit the glass between the outdoors and me. An angry neighbor is pulling out a piece of wood with a nail in it from his car tire. Someone had put it beneath his car to thwart him for some reason.
The eyelike lamps of the halogen traffic passed me by at a horizontal level. Always parallel to the ground. My neighbor trips over a fire extinguisher in his lawn as he is screaming expletives into the lithosphere. I wondered who would do such a thing. The fire exinguisher that he tripped upon rolls out into the street and lays in the yellow lines in the pavement. The red exterior of the canister blends with the transportational direction indicators. The neighbors’ loud words roll in between the street and the puncture wounds on the Michelin. I began to notice the fear then.
Doctor: “If you find yourself in a confusing dilemma that you don’t quite grasp, call me at this number. Ill be brushing my teeth when you call”
It’s a bit alarming to be standing in the doorway to your house naked holding an empty cup of coffee and a once lit cigarette. I am dressed when I hear something fall in my room. By examining the candle I can see that someone cut in the middle with a razor blade at one point therefore when the candle burned to a certain length it would topple over heavy with its own gravitational pull, falling into the sheet of oily paper underneath which caught fire immediately I guess.
A dial tone is ringing in my ears as a doctor is explaining to me that I should,
“ have extinguished the fire before It began.”
I was angry before I spoke with him. Curtains in my room are catching fire. Ceilings in my room are becoming blackened. They began to blend into the overhead of sky as I am running out to my neighbor. He is still yelling into the nightly abyss. I ask him quickly for his fire extinguisher but as it turns out someone set up a nail beneath his tire and then subsequently he tripped over the extinguisher. It sits in the middle of the road. Grey smoke is billowing out of my house, as car lights swerve around me like polar similar magnets, pushing away from each other. The sounds of engines truggling to avoid contact with my skin are like a mechanistic roar. Yellow lights are flashing all around my eyes and spinning out as a Camry with a street post to my right.
I’m grasping the extinguisher with one hand as another fire looms in the Camry now. A decision has to be made. My room is on fire, the car is on fire, and this doctor is still in my ears telling me,
“there is no situation that will arise that you cannot ultimately handle. I think, actually I know that you will be just fine. The abrasions your arm will heal well.”
“I know doctor”. I say “but which fire should I put out?”
He tells me,
“You’ve already decided.”
Running over to the house I pull back the trigger a bit distraught and despondent at the fact that I would rather save my house than a dying person on fire. The pin ricochets silver against the door as I pull the handle expecting a white puff of fire killing material to stream out instantly like some chemical angel. But it’s empty. Someone emptied it before hand. That’s why it was in my neighbors yard I guess. The structure is fully engulfed at this point. Allowing it to burn to the foundation is probably a good idea. A bus is stopping across the street and two figures get out. It’s my doctor and it is her walking slowly and almost in unison. He begins applying some cream to my burned shoulder as she, I noticed her then really, noticed how attractive she is, as she is asking my why I would do such a thing. Set fire to my house? Decide to save it before a human life? I couldn’t answer then but the doctor paused before telling her
“Clearly he feared speaking to you and he set in motion a series of events to avoid your arrival and interaction. Some primal fear pushed him into acting without the foresight of knowing why it was being done. He has Motivational Mnemonic Dyslexia”
I knew then that an innate but ever-present fear of this woman, this doctor, and fire. It seemed to that while I had them all there, it would be a good time to explain to them my plan. My plan to set a fire. I know of ways to do it. But it takes a long time to explain. I think I would like a cigarette first.