willterrytragic (willterrytragic) wrote in 100stories,


“So Will, are you gay? We as a collective of intelligent well meaning men here at the Austin Recovery Detox Center have already decided the answer to that question for you. Yes. Yes you are. You enjoy me Will. Just admit it. Now in direct opposition to the average response that most selfish idiot guys would give now knowing this, we have decided to take pity on your stance and allow you this great privilege. Since none of the staff here will ever suspect you of hitting on the girls, since you’re so gay, we want you to carry our secret love letters to them across the hall. This is a great privilege and don’t take it lightly. WE are going to reward you by allowing you to hang out with us and we will pat you on the back, encouraging you to thrive despite your social handicap. Deal?”


Well, how could I refuse such an open opportunity for genuine comradery here at the rehab center? Since male female interaction is frowned upon I decided that I would take on this task with spirit of altruistic philanthropic enthusiasm.

“Yes I would be happy to. Can I watch gay porn on the TV late at night now without being hassled?”


“Come on will, don’t push it. Its enough that we let you hang out with us considering all your philosophical non sensical psycho babble rants that we all endure hourly.”


So I made the deal with these guys. It’s funny that even though I am not gay and love women that I would agree to this rouse. I could help these guys get a clearer understanding of man woman relations through pen and paper.

As soon as this was decided upon the conversation turned, or rather skidded, back to where it was before all this intrigue began.

If you ever want to see what men are really like, observe when you can (through high technology surveillance gear and stealth) the sort of conversations they have when no women are around.

Jock boy 5000, as I call him, loves to inform us of all the Olympic style acrobatic sexual endeavors he would like to engage in with Nancy, The girl in 4c across the detox hall.


“I would bend her over a copy machine and man handle her severely. This would be done best if she were actually doing some sort of copying at the same time. She should be collating this essay I wrote about how incredibly extreme I am at all things involving manliness, such as opening jars and shooting animals with a BB gun. 5000 copies of that and then I pull her hair right out of her head giving her a business card for an inexpensive salon. The last thing she would hear me say would be “Take that mop of yours into the shop, is broken”


Pseudo Sensitive kindness Kenny was next to tell us his great act of self deprecation that he would like to have with sally from 6b.


“The easiest way to get these girls guys let me tell you…” (All the guys circle around him like a huddle for an asshole seminar) ”… You have to come out on this pretense that you are super sensitive to the female plight.  Read the following books…” (jock boy 5000 can’t read so he leaves) “… The feminine mystique, The Story of O, The Yellow Wallpaper, and the Bell Jar. Once you’re well versed in all this you need to listen to Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco. Then when said girl comes around the coffee table, look up rather passively and start humming a song by jewel or Sarah McGalgin. This will always inspire a conversation from said girl. Remark about how much you enjoyed reading “He’s Just Not that Into You” and exclaim that you don’t understand why men these days are so insensitive. This will be a clue for her to tell you her life story. Which she will, make no mistake. Use this method to fake interest. Maintain eye contact until she looks away, this is a good time to scope out her rack or her legs. When she looks back put on this display of supreme interest in whatever she was blathering about. Just repeat the last few words she said like a parrot and append with “Wow your perspective is down to earth”. Women love the down to earth shit. As if there were a class of females who didn’t adhere to the laws of gravity and floated around in this atmosphere of above groundness spitting on all us soil sided idiots. I mean come on, women can’t even drive let alone fly. Anyways said girl has totally bought your lie now. This is where the real magic begins (huddle intensifies). When she begins to come around again do the same act to her best friend. Ask her friend to meet with you later to watch “The Notebook” on DVD. Then never call either of them, ever. Watch them destroy each other in a fit of imaginary jealousy. It’s incredible. “

An insane amount of high fives and “MAN!”, “DUDE!”, “BRO!”, BROMAN!”, and “DUDE MAN BRO!” went around the table in a flash of unintelligible monkey talk.


Hyper extended Emo Aaron was next (super emo because his name starts with two vowels)


“For me it’s pretty basic. I call it the “wait around”. You make friends with a girl and then you remain only friends for as long as possible. Plan for strenuous amounts of secretive masturbation. Once she begins to trust you she’s going to have you around at all times to reinforce the delusion that guys can be friends only with girls and listen to her incoherent estrogen frivolity. Eventually you will be at her sides at all times while she tells you how hard it is to meet a good guy. All the while when guys try to date her that’s when you really come into play. You call her, text her, and show up all the time while she’s on these dates. In her flurry of trying to explain to her date that the two of you are just friends he like all guys is going to become very jealous and never call her back. Then she will come over to see you in her state of emotional paralysis. “No guys will ever like me!” Just in this moment of weakness you swoop in like an eagle with huge balls. Start making out with her. Man handle her body. In her diminished ego state she won’t be able to fend off any attempt from any guy at that point. What started out as a plutonic friendship has now evolved into sex. Me 1. Insecure Girl 0. “


Guys love to throw around the word evolve like rice at a wedding. As though friendships actually mutated through thousands of adaptation before flourishing into new benefits such as sex and sandwiches. I could think of no one else to carry these guys’ letters to these girls in rehab. So I am on the job.

Jock Boy 5000 has a severe interest in Nancy. In synopsis, Nancy is an uber intelligent pro womens lib crocs wearing crystal meth addict. I’ve heard her harangue on topics ranking from sexual discrimination in the work place to veganism. While she usually makes good points, all the guys only gather around to watch her limber frame gyrate around like an hourglass on a tight rope. Unfortunately this is misinterpreted on her part as acceptance and understanding. None the less I decide to take Jock Boy 5000’s letter to her myself. Once I was past the flushing of the fluorescent lights I opened his letter. It read


“Dear Nancy,

            I really loved hearing you talk about female rights. You are so right. I find it hard to swallow that these sorts of things still occur with regularity. Where’s the equality. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want to listen to Indigo Girls and talk …”


The letter trailed on into untold dimensions of self delusion and hypocrisy. So I ripped it into pieces and wrote my own letter in his hand, which wasn’t hard to do since he wrote his letter the way a crippled fourth grader finger paints.


“Dear Nancy,

            I’m so tired of hearing your incessant babbling you silly feminazi. God made a job for women, it’s called shut up and be a secretary. Other than doing the dishes and making me a sandwich there is much else for women to do. It’s funny that you gallivant around telling about liberation when you carry a miniature mirror in your purse everywhere you go. You know engaging this self imposed vanity addiction isn’t doing a thing. You are not liberating anything by making the CEO of Mary Lay (whose a woman hating bad ass mega man by the way) rich with your narcissistic bull crap. Anyways I’ve enclosed an essay I wrote about my manliness. Sometimes I’m so manly I think I have four testacies, two in my crouch and two in my peck muscles. If you ever want some incredible sex, come find me in room 3d. Other than totally rocking your world with my sexual prowess we have no other business.


            Jock Boy 500”


I fold up hiss essay and put it in with letter. Pseudo fake womens lib guy used purple ink on his letter so its dishonesty is color coded. He wrote to Sally, who was just a kind hearted working girl who never said much and kept to herself. Girls like this are the easiest targets for this kind of guy. They single out the wounded in the herd and attack, smiling all the time and hiding their fangs beneath a cloak of pretend intellectualism and other rubbish. His letter read.


“Dear Nancy,

            I can’t help but notice how pretty you are. I’m not saying that is there is to you, I’ve just noticed that first because you never talk. Why? You seem like an intelligent girl who probably has a lot of things to say. So I’d like to hear what you have to say. Don’t get it wrong I’m not one of these guys who picks up on girls in rehab. No, no, no. I’m just looking for some good conversation (lies have many syllables). If that is ok with you ill be in room 8a”


Ripped to purple pieces in a flash of my hands. I took out a sharpie and wrote a letter in his hand, which wasn’t hard since he wrote like a cardboard box with dementia.

“Dear Nancy,

            I’m feeling better today. Finally they took down that picture of me at the clinic. What a hassle that was. What is genital herpes anyways? Anyways, I wanted to proposition you for some random sex. I don’t believe in protection but you can wear a female condom as long as it doesn’t make me feel funny. Sound good? Awesome! I got to go, things are itchy.”


Wanna be friends guy wrote the last letter. He was addressing Sarah, a girl who was suffering from bulimia nervosa and turrets. His letter read


“Dear Sarah,

I’m looking for someone to talk to. I don’t really want anything more than a friendship with someone who is a good listener. All these guys here are so macho it makes me puke. Guys just don’t know how to be friends…”


It continued with explicit contradictions and deceptive manipulation. Its amazing how fast my hands can turn a piece of paper into scraps at the bottom of a trash can.

I pen out a new letter in his hand which was difficult since he wrote in this cursive interpretation that resembled the queen of England writing from a calligraphy machine.


“Dear Sarah

Im rather lonely. I just got divorced from my wife but that’s ok. She never shut up and was too fat anyways. Whatever, my kids are always going on and on about stupid things like “Feed me! Does bleach taste good? Paint chips everywhere!” blah blah blah. If she never had them she wouldn’t have gone through that nine month chubby awkward phase, from which she never really recovered. In any case, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you. And by that I mean, my penis is here for you. It that helps out, im glad to be of service.


            Pretend Friend Guy”



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